a_musingly | [closed to disassembling] - I Thought You Were Dead

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[closed to disassembling] - I Thought You Were Dead

Bad luck always comes in threes.

Steve had never been the superstitious sort before (he was Catholic). First there had been an accident with Banner that had lead to a last minute switch-up in assigned team members for this mission. Then there had been an accident in an Stark Industries owned factory that left Stark worried, twitchy and furious. Not a good state of mind to be doing a mission with.

The third of course was the attack that had brought down the quinjet over the thickly grown jungles Steve was currently hiking alone through right now, having been forced (for once it was not his idea to jump out of a plane without a parachute) to hastily exit the plane while it was on fire. He'd been separated from the rest of the team in the explosion; he hoped they were alright...no, he KNOWS they are all fine. Now it was only a matter of getting back to civilization and getting in back in touch with the rest of the Avengers. Any civilization, he wasn't picky at this point.

He didn't know that by the time he made his way out of the bush into civilization, more than a week would have passed.

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Steve leaned back against Bucky, eyes sliding half closed.. "You didn't. Did I say before you're not responsible for me? I enjoyed the wrestling too, well, until my body started behaving inappropriately. So you have nothing to be sorry for. I'm the one who's sorry; I ruined your fun." He reached up to run his thumb alongside the jaw, all the way up to the ear. "If you like we can try it again later...though I'm going to have to insist on at least pants this time."

If sometimes he pushed himself harder it was because he can while his teammates couldn't, so he ought to step up and just do it. Other times it really was he was trying to escape from something in his head, though he usually used exercise as a way to banish those demons (even if only temporarily) from his head. He raised an eyebrow at Bucky's comment and tone. "Here inside the fort? I did say I was going to cook dinner for us tonight."

He nodded his head a little, not used to apologizing or receiving one in return still. It was difficult to try to cope with social niceties. "So it was me not wearing pants that made you aroused?" He frowned thoughtfully at the idea as he leaned into Steve's touch and then shifted to settle his cheek down against the blanket again. "There is always time for fun later when you aren't blushing and aroused, Steve."

If he had his way, he wasn't going to let Steve leave the fort save to get food and to have a bathroom break or two. Otherwise, they could wrestle and cuddle and nap here where it was safe and warm and comfortable. He didn't think that his friend knew that yet either, but he would be certain to set himself to that objective and not allow it to stop. "No, you stay with me."

Steve thought Bucky was getting better all the time. It was difficult he knew and often frustrating but he appreciated Bucky's attempts. "It's not just that." Steve murmured. Bucky had been warm and hard and having him pressed close, grinding up on him, it had seemed his body couldn't NOT react. "Yes, you're right." He said agreeably, feeling grateful that the most awkward parts of the conversation seem to have passed and overall it hadn't been as bad as he thought it'd be.

"Bossy." Steve said fondly in reply to the implied command in Bucky's voice. "What are you going to do if I get up anyway?" He was teasing; if he really wanted to leave, he knows Bucky will let him up immediately. Really, he had no objections to spending the rest of the day lazing about, there was nothing urgent he had to see to.

"What then?" He wanted to know how one as stoic as Steve could be reduced to rushing to the bathroom and leaving him alone on the bed confused and warm. He knew that he was not to sleep naked again at least, not unless he was safe and alone, which didn't normally go hand-in-hand anymore. "Is being aroused with someone you trust something to be ashamed of?"

He hummed in agreement, though if Steve really wanted to get up and go, he certainly would do little else than move himself and follow. "I'll make you feel bad for doing so," he said, not above manipulating the situation like that. "Besides, you don't really want to get up. You're obviously comfortable."

Never mind, he'd spoken too soon. This was sliding back into awkward territory again. Well, he's gone so far, might as well keep going. "Not ashamed no. Just awkward, because you were pressing...very close. And if you kept going..." He could feel his face get progressively hot and couldn't make himself finish the sentence. "Any way, I left to let my body calm down. It wasn't not your fault or anything like that."

"Yes, by sulking." He said dryly. Though Bucky was right, he really was comfortable right now, if not for the niggling worry that Bucky wasn't, not with his entire weight on top. "You know me so well."

He turned his head to regard Steve, watching the redness seep back across his friend's face so that it looked a little like a tomato. It was probably supposed to be something that was amusing, but he instead found it very endearing. "If I'd kept going...?" He thought about it for a moment to see if he could fill in his own blanks, remembering how warm and good he had felt rubbing on Steve like that. "I... felt good when we were like that, rubbing I mean."

He... wouldn't even know if he was sulking, though he had a feeling that Steve would be gracious enough to point it out to him. "I don't sulk." He hummed and cuddled down into the blanket, finding Steve's weight a comfort still, though he did have to put in a bit more effort to breathe. "I know you better than I know myself."

Bucky was probably the only one he knows now that wouldn't laugh when his face is like this. He wished he was one of those people who can get rid of blushes on command but as good as his muscle control was, it didn't cover this. "That's exactly it. It felt good, I felt good, but if we'd continued, it would have moved on to...sex." And that was a line Steve refused to cross, not when he didn't think Bucky understood the hows and whys of what he was feeling (and if Steve was honest, he didn't totally understand himself either).

"Yes you do." Steve answered. There was a particular tone of voice and also a look in his eyes Bucky had when he was. He found it endearing. Steve shifted and pressed his face back onto Bucky's back. "That's not unusual I think. I think most people know other people better than they know themselves."

He wasn't seeing a problem with feeling good, since he was apparently encouraged to do so after so much pain and neglect at the hands of HYDRA. Yet, the indication that such stimulation would have moved them to sex, he lifted his head again, narrowly avoiding cracking Steve in the face. He knew what sex was, there was even a few shards of memories of kissing in his mind, the soft laughter of breathless exploration. Odd that he should have those. "You want to have sex with me?" If they were going to be awkward, they may as well sink the ship entirely or turn Steve permanently into a tomato.

He didn't remember sulking, though no doubt it had happened. Steve always kept up with those changes of expressions in him. He hummed and bowed his head more. "I suppose if you know me best and I know you best, we can tell each other everything."

He ducked his head to the side when Bucky lifted his head up unexpectedly, almost too late, mind going frantically in circles and completely distracted. "I...it doesn't matter what I want. What matters is what you want." Steve said desperately, before pressing his face downward onto Bucky's shoulder. He was never going to be able to forget this conversation. And his face will be permanently red. Steve bit down a groan as he heard a voice in his head that sounds suspiciously like Natasha's that it could have been worse, that they could both have been naked in bed instead of Steve lying on top of Bucky inside a blanket fort.

Steve reached up to card his fingers through the short hair at the back of Bucky's neck. "I'll...try." There were some things that were his own to carry, that he doesn't want to burden Bucky about. His grief, his depression, his guilt. He's always believed that he was responsible for his own shit and no one else should have to deal with it.

He wasn't actually certain that Steve's face could go any more red, but he thought that it had reached his friend's hairline and possibly the entire scalp all the same. A devilish part of himself which was only recently emerging was very pleased with this, despite the subject matter used to get there. "That sounds like a female evasive answer. Maybe I should call Romanoff and ask her to translate for me," he replied dryly. He hadn't considered sex much before, but now that the bug was planted, he wondered about it.

He tilted his head down at the touch, humming louder and in pleasure. He always liked it when Steve played with his hair. "You don't sound that convinced. Is the sex topic really that hard?"

Bucky used to make a game out of this in the old days, telling Steve the most outrageous things in order to see him make different faces or to see how far the blush goes. (The answer was: all the way up to his hairline and down to his chest. Post-serum, that hasn't changed.) A part of Steve was a bit exasperated that of all things that would be the one thing Bucky would somehow stumble back into doing. "Natasha would call both of us stupid. And I wasn't being evasive...what YOU want is the most important thing here. I'm not doing anything that would make you uncomfortable."

He scratched idly with his finger tips; Steve got as much enjoyment of playing with Bucky's hair as Bucky did himself. "I'm not used to talking about it, okay!"

It was too bad that Steve was laying on him because he was missing the fact that the blush went to his friend's chest. Right now, the entire red appearance was enough to endear him all the more to Steve. "How am I stupid for asking you if you want to have sex with me?" He didn't know what he wanted save to feel good and he knew that he felt good rubbing on Steve as he had. "When have you ever made me uncomfortable? You had to practically bathe me by hand when my leg got injured."

He smirked at Steve's words, twisting a little under the bigger man's weight. "Are you a virgin, Steve?" He suddenly blinked. "Wait, am I?"

He sighed. Steve's been doing a lot of sighing since their conversation went into this really awkward territory, he knew. "She'll call you stupid for having to ask in the first place. And me twice over for letting things get to this point." He elaborated. And he'd have to agree with her assessmefnt of his intelligence in this instance. "Not yet I suppose and I'd really like to keep it that way. And there is a big difference between helping you while you were injured and sex!"

He shifted as well when Bucky twisted underneath him and made as if to get off of Bucky entirely. "I am not! And neither are you." This was another part of why he'd been so reluctant to talk or as act about it, not when Bucky couldn't remember on his own.

"So does that mean you would have sex with me if I wanted to?" Because if he was stupid for having to ask, that meant that it should have been obvious in the answer. That must have meant that it might have been him holding up the process, which was something he needed to ponder over the day, if it even took him that long. "I suppose... but sex feels good, and I really want to feel good sometime."

He curled his metal arm around Steve tighter so his friend could escape him completely, but he was still looking over his shoulder at Steve. "Oh," he said softly before he nodded. "Who did we lose our virginity to?"

"Yes." He finally answered in a strangled tone of voice, his face turning redder. This was like jumping off of a cliff; there was no turning back from this. "I would." He too a deep breath to steady himself. "But Bucky, there are other ways of feeling good, you know that right? It...doesn't have to be sex. It doesn't even have to be me. You have choices."

He stilled when Bucky tightened his grip on him. "It was as long time ago. There was a dame you were sweet on for a couple months when you were seventeen. Her name was Maggie." He shrugged. "I remember she had blonde hair and you went into far more detail then I liked about it. For me it was during the war bonds tour. One of the chorus girls."

There was a sort of finality to the declaration, and he watched Steve's face somehow achieve an even more red colouration. He almost worried his friend was going to have some kind of brain bleed at any moment, but still he wouldn't take his arm off of his friend. "Eating makes me feel good too. And showering. And sleeping." He had a few things that he found comfort in, but it hadn't been anywhere like that, to feel that draw to another person. "I want it to be you. You... are the one I want if I was well enough for that."

He closed his eyes, trying to imagine this dame but drew a blank. Instead, he more imagined Steve kissing him sweetly, arm around his shoulders, laughter in those blue eyes. He turned his head and suddenly sought out Steve's lips, thinking of chorus girls and dames with blonde hair but nothing like the firm solid warmth of Steve.

What worried Steve was that the things Bucky listed, eating, sleeping and showering, were all normal things one did as part of life. (Sex too was normal, he had to admit.) And once Bucky recovered more of himself, he'll see that too. And recognize that Steve was not the only fish in the great wide sea. "And when you are, Bucky. I'll be here. So there's no rush, alright?" Steve answered, his voice gentle and patient. He meant it too. He didn't think there would be anyone else in his life, now or in the future, not matter how many people Natasha tried to set him up with.

Steve froze when Bucky turned his head and leaned in to kiss him. His eyes widened and his mouth parted automatically, his first reaction was to want to say something along the lines of 'what were you thinking?'. After a moment however his eyes slid halfway shut slowly and he leaned in as well, apply gentle pressure back with his lips. An experiment by Bucky maybe? If so, he should make it a good one.

He was still getting used to having access to doing 'normal' things, and there hadn't been one that he didn't like either. However, even he knew that sex was a step in a very certain direction and not to be taken lightly. He had to be ready for it, for the commitment that would probably tax him both physically and emotionally. "Are you sure there isn't? I mean... you could get snapped up at any time," he murmured softly, his eyebrows drawing together. He wanted Steve to be happy, to settle down with someone nice who could care for his friend give Steve whatever the man needed.

Apparently kissing was a little like riding a bike; muscles didn't forget how to do it. It helped that Steve's lips parted immediately, and despite the awkward angle for his neck, he kissed his friend deeply and thoroughly, his tongue teasing the parted lips, flicking just inside in a sensual off of what more they could have if he took things further. He admitted that like eating, sleeping and showering... he liked kissing.

Despite occasionally awkward moments (and feelings on Steve's part) between them, things were comfortable between them for the most part. That they were still pressed closed together despite their current conversation was proof of that. And despite what his body wants, Steve could do without sex (as he has so far) if it will change things for the worse between them. "I'm sure. And I'm not some sort of prize to be won!" Steve didn't deny that getting married, starting a family had been a distant dream of his once. But people and circumstances change and for him, they had changed a lot. "I'm content with what I have, Bucky. I don't need to settle down to be happy."

Between them, Bucky had been the one with the most experience in kissing before, being the more popular one. Even without actually remembering who he'd kissed before and the circumstances behind past kisses, it showed. He tilted his head automatically so that Bucky wasn't craning his head at such a bad angle and let Bucky kiss him as deeply and thoroughly as he wished, Steve's own tongue flicking out to touch Bucky's playfully just once before letting the kiss end. "Good?"

Well, he knew that, but he also knew that Steve was very handsome and surely someone could win the man's heart and completely deserve Steve too. He was still too much of a liability for him to trust himself to be anything but Steve's friend and protective shadow. He knew that he would like to try sex, but... while feeling good had been there this morning, he suspected that Steve would never let it go that far without being certain of how he could handle it. "Well... you still never know. Someone could catch your eye at any time...."

The kiss was warm and wet and wonderful, and it felt him feeling content and hypersensitive to their current closeness, which he didn't regret in the least nor wanted to change. His tongue flicked against Steve's before the kiss ended and there was a thrill in tasting his friend on his tongue like that. He blinked slowly, a deep contented sigh leaving him. "Mmm, I think we need more practice," he said softly. "Just... to be sure." He leaned in to see if he could recapture Steve's lips.

"And I'll let you know if I do." Steve answered dryly. He wouldn't object to it if it came his way, but he doubted it would though. It was like he told Natasha once, it was hard to find someone else with shared life experiences. Or even coming close to it. In fact the only one left was Bucky now, even if Bucky didn't remember most of it. He was very well aware that sex was not love, but he has crossed any number of lines for Bucky already and would continue to do so. "You'll...you'll do the same thing? Don't let your entire world be wrapped up in me. I'm a...starting point but there's lots more people out there. Eventually you'll feel well enough to go out again and don't let me hold you back when you do."

That was a much better kiss than he had with Natasha. Then again the circumstances weren't the best at that time, with them trying to dodge HYDRA agents on their tail and the kiss only a distraction. Later, Natasha had told him it was like kissing a dead fish and he couldn't help but feel a bit offended by that. At least nobody else has complained. "Don't you mean just me? You got your share of practice and more in the old days." Even as he spoke he was leaning in as well. This time however he slid halfway off of Bucky so that they were more lying side by side again and neither of them would be craning their necks in odd positions.

He hummed softly in some sort of non-committed agreement, having no idea how anyone besides Steve and the Avengers were going to put up with him long-term, let alone engage in any sort of friendly relationship with him. He knew he wasn't to narrow himself down or close doors before they opened, but there was a lot of things that needed to change before he could venture out to be anywhere too far from Steve.

He didn't protest when Steve slid slightly to the side, weaseling his way out from under the larger man so he could cuddle up to his friend while the lay side-by-side instead. "No, we both need practice," he murmured, slipping an arm around Steve's back and kissing with growing enthusiasm and heat, enjoying the taste and feel of Steve's lips against his own, not even bothering to be subtle about sneaking as close as he could either.

Steve took the non-verbal to mean: maybe later, probably never. He made a mental note to ask Sam for suggestions to encourage Bucky to start getting a bit more out there. He knows he's probably spoiled himself with Bucky's undivided attention so far.

"Excuses." He whispered against Bucky's lips before closing his eyes and losing himself into heat and pleasure of the kiss. He suspected this wouldn't be the last kiss they'll be indulging today but he couldn't think of any better way to pass the rest of the day.

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[closed to disassembling] - I Thought You Were Dead

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