a_musingly | [closed to disassembling] - I Thought You Were Dead

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[closed to disassembling] - I Thought You Were Dead

Bad luck always comes in threes.

Steve had never been the superstitious sort before (he was Catholic). First there had been an accident with Banner that had lead to a last minute switch-up in assigned team members for this mission. Then there had been an accident in an Stark Industries owned factory that left Stark worried, twitchy and furious. Not a good state of mind to be doing a mission with.

The third of course was the attack that had brought down the quinjet over the thickly grown jungles Steve was currently hiking alone through right now, having been forced (for once it was not his idea to jump out of a plane without a parachute) to hastily exit the plane while it was on fire. He'd been separated from the rest of the team in the explosion; he hoped they were alright...no, he KNOWS they are all fine. Now it was only a matter of getting back to civilization and getting in back in touch with the rest of the Avengers. Any civilization, he wasn't picky at this point.

He didn't know that by the time he made his way out of the bush into civilization, more than a week would have passed.

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Their pillow fort taken down by a stranger who didn't understand was...understandable, even if he wasn't happy about it. Steve trailed his fingers along the top of one counter as he headed towards the sound of Bucky's voice, passing Bucky in the hallways as he did so and went to the living room. He stood at the doorway and looked at the pile of blankets on the couch, all couch cushions back in its normal places. The cleaner did a good job and saved him time and effort from having to dust and wipe everything himself, but he'd rather have had to do it himself than have a stranger take apart something they weren't suppose to touch.

Shaking his head, he began to to put the pillow fort back together, one blanket for the ground, another for the roof, and couch cushions for walls. Just like it was before. It wouldn't be exactly the same as before, but it would be close. Hopefully good enough to put Bucky at ease again. He'd not missed the cold tone of his friend's way or the almost angry footsteps.

He knew that any sort of dependence on something as silly as a place to sleep on the floor was ridiculous, that he was being stupid and certainly not reasonable. It was just that that fort had been his and Steve's place, and it had stayed up since the first day that his friend had showed him one. It was like grasping for the past that evaded him more often than not, but that didn't make his reaction any more reasonable. He logically knew he couldn't behave like this, that it was inappropriate to be displeased with someone who had probably only come to help Steve.

He bent and untied his boots, slipping out of them and leaving them next to Steve's assortment of shoes. He returned towards the living room almost sheepishly, peering in as Steve once again put together the fort. He couldn't keep acting like this, he knew. It was childish and unproductive, and he was allowed none of those things as it detracted from his use. He mentally berated himself for ruining yet another moment with his too strong reactions, his displeasure, and his need to stay close to Steve.

"I'm sorry," he murmured softly from the living room entrance way.

Steve tugged the last blanket making up the roof in place before he stepped back to inspect his handiwork. The fort he made today was a bit bigger than before so that it wouldn't be as much of a tight squeeze just to get in. There was also an extra blanket making up the floor and he'd tossed one of his extra bed pillows in as well to make it more comfortable the next time they decide to sleep in there instead of on a bed. He turned towards the entrance, blinking in puzzlement at the soft apology. There wasn't anything to apologize for, Steve thought.

"It's alright Bucky. There's nothing you have to say sorry for." He held out a hand invitingly, hoping Bucky would come closer instead of lurking in the doorway. "You want to try out....hmm...Tony would call it version 2. Pillow fort version 2 it is. You want to try out pillow fort version 2.0 right now?"

There wasn't much of a shadow of the wall, but he somehow managed to find the little that was there and lurk in it. He saw that the fort had been easily remade, bigger, better and with more comfort in mind. It was too bad that they had slept as long and deeply as they had the night before or he probably wouldn't have seen any problem crawling in and curling up to sleep. As of now, he was still a bit full from breakfast, uncomfortable with his own thoughts and almost wishing that Steve would somehow stop being so kind to him all the time.

He left his spot and walked over to his friend, slipping an arm around the other man's waist. "You spend too much time looking after me," he murmured softly. "I'm tying you down when you have so much independence when I'm not around; you arrange your life for my comfort, and it's not fair." He suspected it would have been called selfish. He shrugged at the offer to use the pillow fort now, turning his head to rest his cheek against Steve's shoulder. "Yeah okay."

It was no hardship for Steve to re-arrange a few things for Bucky's comfort and well-being. There was so much more he wouldn't mind doing if it made Bucky content and warm. Feeling the arm around his waist and Bucky's cheek on his shoulder, he in turned wrapped an arm around his friend's shoulders, pulling him close. "There's no such thing as spending too much time and what's this nonsense about tying me down and about fairness?" He shook his head and dropped his face into the top of Bucky's head for a moment, breathing in the scent of the shampoo they'd used last night and Bucky's own unique scent.

"C'mon. Let's get in and get comfortable." He could tell there was something bothering Bucky beyond the fact someone had taken apart their old pillow fort. Since that first time they put up the pillow fort, Bucky had always felt the most at ease inside it. Maybe once they were inside, his friend will be able to purge whatever it was that was bothering him. Steve reluctantly pulled away from Bucky and crawled inside first before waiting patiently for Bucky to join him..

He frowned when his concerns on how much he wasn't good for Steve right now was brushed off. It was the usual argument and he suspected that they had conversations like this at least once a week now that he associated himself closely with his friend again. "You enjoyed yourself with the Avengers. You should stay there at the Tower with them and take on more missions; they like you and care for you," he said insistently.

Still, he followed Steve a little more tentatively towards the new pillow fort, waiting for his friend to get settled and comfortable before he even thought about entering. He paused to remove his weapons and lay them on the coffee table; no weapons in the fort was a rule he played by. He slipped over and backed inside, glancing up at the slight dip in the roof as he shifted one of the walls slightly before he rested his forearms on the floor and pillowed his chin on them.

There had been some discussion over his safety with the Avengers when Bucky started appearing more and more openly. He appreciated their concerns and eventually argued them all into backing off and letting him do his own things. Steve had known from the first time Bucky had appeared on his window that time he'd come down with the bad flu that Bucky did not mean him any harm, quite the opposite really. And with time, his friends had relaxed too. "I like them too and I care for them but I like my apartment here and my quiet life here. Captain America and the Avengers isn't my entire life Bucky, nor do I want it to be."

His eyebrows furrowed when Bucky slipped in and instead of pressing close like he usually did, laid on his front on the blankets instead. Steve pushed himself up to rest his upper-body on a forearm, reaching out tentatively to brush over the top of Bucky's hair. "You're my life too, Bucky, you know. You said I spent too much time taking care of me. Well, you used to do the same. Kept gum and cigarettes for my stomach and asthma in your pocket all the time, sneaked me favourite treats when I was feeling too sick to eat anything else. Pulled bullies off of me when I was getting pounded on in the back alleys. And if I told you back then that you should go out and enjoy your dates with the dames and leave me to deal with my sickness alone you'd call me an idiot and cuff me a good one the back of my head. We're friends at the very least. And that's what friends do for each other." He hoped Bucky would understand now and stop feeling like he was a burden. Bucky had never been a burden.

He would have liked to point out that Steve had a floor to himself in the Tower and could escape to any number of exercise rooms and avoid anyone that the man wanted while there. Perhaps that wasn't private enough, though he appreciated the little apartment that Steve still held. "No... but at least they will keep you involved in missions, which you enjoy to do." He also knew that there was the Falcon that Steve was good friends with too, though he had really only seen the man briefly at a distance.

He turned his head slightly towards Steve at the brush of fingers along the top of his head, watching his friend from where he was relaxing and getting used to the new pillow fort. "I know..." he managed to get in before Steve explained and elaborated on times, memories, and situations that had been stripped from him. Yet, he listened greedily, trying desperately to imagine where there wasn't even an inkling of memory to fill in the gaps inside of him. He hungered for those memories, for the apparent easy brotherhood that he had shared with Steve.

If those things had happened - and Steve had no reason to lie to him - he could see how taking care of his friend as diligently as he had that his current situation was a strange kind of turn-about. He nestled his chin harder on his forearms, which was difficult given that one of them was metal. "So... I used to take care of you when you were sick, and now you're taking care of me now that I'm sick? Is that how you see this?"

While he had an entire floor to himself and theoretically could lock all the doors, Clint liked to pop in and out of the ventilation system and Tony was liable to walk in ignoring the locks at any time. While he doesn't mind that happening a few times, trying to live with it all the time was annoying. "I am still DOING missions, Bucky. I've not yet hanged up the shield and retired. And I still spend quite a bit of time off of missions. Outside of that, I need private space of my own. And Sam has his own apartment elsewhere too." He's always needed a place that was just his. Captain America was so public already, that just made him need his own space even more, as much as he liked his friends. Bucky was the only exception.

Bucky did not remember he knew, even as he talked about their shared life experiences. But he wanted Bucky to know that this wasn't a matter of give or take, or fairness. Just that they were friends, and that was what friends did. "Like I said before, it's not a matter of fairness or taking turns. If I got as sick as I used to you'd be trying to take care of me now. Because you want me well, right?" He also wasn't sure sick was the right word for Bucky. Missing memories and references most people would have, sure. But sick didn't seem right. Seeing Bucky nestle his hand on the metal arm, he reached towards the back and grabbed one of the pillows he stuffed there and pushed it towards Bucky.

He knew that and he also knew that not everyone spent full time at the Stark Tower as well, but everyone had some aspect of rooming to themselves. There were enough floors, though he had never inquired on if he was given a broom closet or a prison for his quarters. He stayed overnight so infrequently that either would work if he didn't stay with Steve anyway. "Yes, and we all remember how the last mission went," he replied sourly. "Next time, a parachute should come attached to your shield, since you remembered to bring that." He huffed softly. "Sam is an Avenger now?"

He pondered that, remembering how he had lamely tried to help Steve with that illness. It had seemed like the right thing to do, like he had been good at it and might even someday enjoy it. "I... want you at pique health at all times," he agreed softly. He eyed the pillow, not certain what he was supposed to do with it when he was perfectly comfortable as he was nestled on his arms, one soft and warm, the other hard and cold. "You were sick a little while ago, but I didn't take very good care of you. Do you think I should be like you and have my own place?" He actually couldn't imagine that right now.

When Bucky started appearing more with Steve, Tony had pulled him aside and asked if he should start renovating a floor for Bucky. Steve had told him no, that Bucky was unlikely to stay over often enough to use one. He felt uneasy enough as it is to have an entire floor to himself when he wasn't all that often at the tower; a single guestroom would have been just fine. "That was an accident." Steve answered, exasperated. "If it makes you feel better Tony's currently trying to redesign my uniform to have some sort of parachute attached at the back." He'd also told Tony he's not accepting anything that would add more weight or restrict his mobility in any way; only time will tell if Tony can come up with anything with those restrictions. "We all consider Sam one, whether Sam acknowledges that is a different matter entirely." Tony did in fact, has set aside a floor for Sam, except like Steve, Sam spent most of his nights elsewhere.

"And I want the same for you. It doesn't matter if you never remember everything about your past. I just want you to be warm, well-fed, and always content. If there's anything I could do for you to be like that, I would." And Steve recognizes this is why there is very little he could say no to Bucky for. Since Bucky didn't seem to know what to do with the pillow, Steve decided to show him by example (there was a second pillow in the back), but plopping down on it, arms wrapped loosely on the pillow and resting his chin on it. "You were fine that night." Steve tried to reassure Bucky. He had wanted Buckys company more than any physical thing Bucky could bring him for his comfort.

He gave Steve a dark look, hoping that it would chasten his friend to being a bit more careful when it came to jumping off of high and fast moving objects. He knew that Steve could take it, but it wasn't a risk that he wanted to see happen all the time now that they were together and seemingly dedicated to keeping the other safe. It was hard to do that when his friend was continually jumping out of planes or off of vehicles into some situation. "I didn't realize he was a fabric designer on top of everything else," he replied sourly to the idea of Tony designing any type of non-gaudy uniform. "I should sew a parachute to your back," he added with a shake of his head. He shrugged a little at the idea that Sam had earned the Avengers title so easily, though with all that had happened, the man was probably the most responsible of the group.

"You've... done more than enough for me," he replied softly. He was aware that his presence on missions in particular had a high potential to damage Steve and the Avengers because sooner or later, Hydra would come looking or the public would realize some of what he had done. They'd probably just associate him with Hydra and put to trial for his actions in assassination and terrorism. He eyed this display of using the pillow and frowned, pointedly pillowing his chin a little more on his arms instead. "I was acceptable," he said in reply.

Steve responded with a look of his own, one of deliberate, wide-eyed innocence. Tony called it 'the look of pure evil'. Steve said he had no idea what Tony was talking about because he had the best of intentions. It's not like he he wanted to jump off of high buildings or fast moving vehicles (though the adrenaline rush he got every time was exhilarating) with no proper gear, usually it was because their enemies gave him no choice. "Tony likes a challenge. And body armour is within his area of expertise." And if it wasn't, Steve was sure Tony would make it into his. "You can try adding a parachute." Steve added fondly. "But under the same conditions as I gave Tony; it can't add any extra weight and it can't restrict my mobility in any way." It was not only his strength he relied on in a fight, agility also played a big part and he can't have that part compromised in any way.

Truthfully Steve thought most of his other friends considered Bucky to be an Avenger to some degree or another, if only more attached to Steve than the rest of them. And there were already contingency plans in place for dealing with the public if public opinion went ill against Bucky (though Steve thought Bucky would probably disappear first if that happened.) As for Hydra, if they came looking, the Avengers would be glad to deal with them. It wasn't like they weren't alrady running missions digging up as many bases as possible anyway.
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He shifted suddenly to abandon his pillow drop an arm around Bucky's waist. Half-covering Bucky with his larger body, he dropped his face into Bucky's shoulder "It's enough that you're here." He murmured into warm cloth covered muscle. "That's all I need."

He didn't buy the look that was given in return to him and knew that there would be yet more incidences of Steve jumping off of high or fast moving places. He narrowed his eyes to show that Steve's attempt at innocence was certainly not working on him, though he would only give Steve the cold shoulder for recklessness and ignore any complaints about his own behaviour on missions. "So it meddling," he replied darkly because he was certain that Stark was always looking for an opportunity to do that too. "You're strong enough to take the extra weight and be able to fight as optimum level," he growled, though agreed with the fact that anything worn had to not impede mobility.

He tensed when Steve suddenly shifted, almost rolling to his side as if he thought he might have to defend himself from some kind of impromptu wrestling match, given they had given up on it at Stark Tower. Yet, he settled easily when Steve's weight only shifted to half cover him, effectively pinning him to the blanketed floor, but his eyes half-shut in pleasure at the closeness as he pillowed his cheek more onto his arms.

"You're too easy to please," he grumbled half-heartedly. "And you should stay behind on the next mission too."

It was inevitable in their line of work; while he's not going to actively look of chance to jump off of high or hast moving spots it's going to happen again whether they like it or not. What could be improved so that no one is left stranded for days like he was for the past week; better communication systems, better processes for dealing with what happens next if it happens again. All this would be worked out in the next few weeks barring missions. "Tony likes tinkering." Steve agreed lazily. "Says perfection is boring...there's always something to improve on." He wrinkled his nose at the thought of added weight on his uniform, though it was true he could stand quite a bit more weight than average. "There's a point where added weight is just going to slow me down and I can't have that."

Steve'd noticed the way Bucky had tensed when he dropped his weight unexpectedly on top of Bucky and was prepared to pull back immediately but Bucky had settled the next minute much to his relief. Before, he'd always left it to Bucky to initiate anything. His eyes slid half-closed as well as he rubbed his face back and forth against Bucky's shoulder, breathing in the scent of the soap they'd used last night and a light metallic tang underneath that he's now associated with Bucky.

"Might have to support them remotely, or be the backup. It depends on the type of mission. Unless you want to go?" But most likely he could afford to sit out on the next one unless it was something like the Chitauri invasion again, as he was hardly the only heavy hitter in the team. "Would you prefer I be more demanding on you? Ask you for treats or HYDRA agents instead?"

From what he had read in various files and seen himself, there were a lot of things that Tony liked. There was a part of him that was surprised that Steve got along with the man, given that his friend was selfless and honourable and Tony was... well, pretty much the opposite in almost all life endeavors. Steve had clearly figured out a method to dealing with the man, though he hadn't even come close to puzzling out what that was. "As long as he doesn't try to improve things attached to me," he grumbled, aware the debate about his arm was still a big issue for Tony who practically found any opportunity to sit next to him or admire his arm when it wasn't clothed and hidden. "You wouldn't complain if it was me clinging to your back," he added dryly.

He issued a soft hum of pleasured acceptance to the feel of Steve's cheek rubbing against his shoulder, and he stretched out in their little fort now that he was secure and settled there. Steve's weight helped, and it was easy to close his eyes and savour the closeness between them in the similar way that he did when he was allowed to cuddle up to his friend in bed. He still wasn't entirely over having lost his friend for a week either.

"I can do any mission," he said simply, though it wouldn't be the same without Steve. He performed best hunting or as an assassin. "What kind of treats could you ever hope for out of me?" He had noticed that no one, not even Steve, pushed to know if he had information on Hydra despite his history with the organization. "I know... some agents."

Tony was something of an acquired taste Steve had to admit. But the man was genuinely kind and generous underneath the talk and bluster if you cared to dig past the exterior and the first time they met, Loki's interference or not, Steve was ashamed to admit that he'd not seen past the prickly front. Steve's understood after long association it was what Tony was NOT saying that was more important than the hundred words that was coming out of the man's mouth. "He knows." Steve said reassuringly. "I explained it twice and pretty sure Natasha did too." As long as Tony kept it to looks it was fine. "You're right I wouldn't Why would I complain about such a unique accessory to my uniform?" He bantered back.

He sighed contentedly as Bucky settled down, and turned to rest his cheek on Bucky's back, careful not to put his entire weight on Bucky. Not that he thought Bucky couldn't take it but this was comfort, not wrestling or sparring. Awkward morning or not, he'd missed this in the past week.

"Yes I know, but will you actually work with the other Avengers?" Steve asked, half expecting the answer to be know. He wasn't unaware of what Bucky did best; the file Natasha handed him after Project Insight had detailed quite a few of the missions the Winter Soldier was sent on. "I don't know....you could surprise me with almost anything and I'll probably like it." Everyone among the Avengers knew not to push Bucky for information. Captain's orders. Steve lifted his head off of Bucky's back, his voice serious. "If want to...do...anything about those agents, I'd like it if you told at least me beforehand. Otherwise if you don't want to do anything, that's fine too. It's your choice."

Oh he knew that Steve and a few of the others had warned Tony off of getting too close to his arm, but there were little attempts all the same. He never said anything about them because all it really required was to shift the plates of his arm, a threat that he could make noise or do immediate damage that seemed to keep Tony from pulling a screwdriver on him. "Do you and the others still have bets going on how long it takes him to have a meltdown about it?" He knew the others had a good chuckle over Tony's fascination and it was probably some personal affront that he refused to let his arm get updated. "I'm heavier than a parachute, you realize. And I would be certain to land on you."

He went silent at the idea of working with the other Avengers without Steve, but a mission was a mission. It required that he do things that he didn't enjoy sometimes. "I could," he said grudgingly. "The mission objective will always be the most important thing to me, and no one, not even the Avengers will stand in the way of reaching it." He slid so easily into Soldier mode.

He shifted his flesh arm out from under his cheek and curled it back to grasp onto Steve's back. He hadn't thought much about the agents whose name's had stuck in his head or come back to him now that he wasn't getting blanked anymore. There were names and there were faces, though some didn't match up together. "What's left of SHIELD probably rounded up most of them," he murmured softly. "Contingency plan states that exposed agents are eliminated or smuggled from the country and replaced with others."

Steve raised one eyebrow. "Of course. Do you want in on it? Person with the closest date and time slot takes the entire pot." A bit of harmless fun that no doubt Tony knew about and probably part of the reason he kept poking at Bucky. Another part was probably just Tony being stubbornness regarding technology; the more he can't touch a piece of tech the more he wants it. He smiled, amused at the mental image of Bucky clinging to his back as they made free fall; he made a mental note to see if he could sketch out a comic or something similar later. "Some things are worth the extra weight and risk."

Steve frowned when he heard the Soldier respond. "We always try to assign something suitable to that person's skillsets." And he'll make doubly sure whoever is assigned to Bucky is someone who won't grate on Bucky so much. "You know that some times there's no other option but to abort the mission right, no matter the objective. Like last week." He had to make that clear; the Avengers were not Hydra where the Mission was always first.

He allowed the hand to press him back down against Bucky's warm back. "I know." He murmured back. "Natasha and Clint work with Coulson on that occasionally to find the ones that still alive and in hiding. It's just...I was thinking of closure for you. So that it's not always hanging over your head."

"No, I have nothing to bet," he said with a slight shrug of his shoulders, just enough that Steve would feel it where his friend was laying over him. "Besides, its my arm that he's so focused on anyway, and I can't be unbiased about that," he added. If he thought that his date was coming up, he might decide to bait Stark more to move things along in his favour, so it was best that he didn't know the dates involved or be too close to those kinds of antics. "You're just biased towards me, that's all. You like it when I'm laying on you after all."

He knew that missions were sometimes aborted, but from what he could remember, those moments were rare for him. His missions had always been planned well and he was good at doing them, so he wasn't certain he would need to abort one. He had only been involved in aborted missions where he had personally malfunctioned. "I'll do my best not to let that scenario come into play. If it is a mission designed for me, I should be able to complete it in the allotted time frame. That's... how it's always been." He turned his head to look at Steve. "These missions aren't any different... right? We want them completed?"

He blinked a little at the word closure because he had never thought of it. He was not vengeful, so the idea of hunting down those who he remembered and who had programmed or associated with him hadn't entirely been his focus. Steve had become his focus. "I... I've never thought about it like that." Of course he knew Hydra would go for him if opportunity presented itself, but beyond that, he hadn't considered it much.

"No one is completely unbiased. It's just a bit of fun anyway. The Howling Commandos used to do this sort of thing too...we bet on everything...what's for supper tomorrow, who's the next person that's going to catch a squirrel to supplement our rations...things like that." He huffed a soft laugh at the accusation of bias towards Bucky, not even bothering to deny it. That was true and all of their friends knew it. "Of course I am. And you're far biased towards me as well, if we're measuring it by how much each of us likes cuddle up."

Steve bit his lip, thinking about how he could explain it. "Yes, we do want mission completed. Very much. That's why they're called missions after all. But you have to take into account the cost, and it's not only monetary cost. For example...if mission completion has a high chance of causing the deaths of surrounding civilians that unexpectedly showed up on site? Then you evaluate again on the field. Or mission control will evaluate again. WE want to avoid civilian casualties." They always try to plan out for no civilian casualties but humans were contrary beings and often insist on going where they shouldn't be.

He'd been surprised that Bucky hadn't tried to go after Hydra more, instead only taking down the ones who attacked him, and attacked Bucky. It wasn't until later that he understood why. "Think about it? You can do as little or as much as you want. It's your choice. Just thought if you could have closure over this, other things might get easier for you." This too had been one of Sam's suggestions, one that Steve found easiest to talk about.

He lifted his head from his arm at the story about the Commandos, people that he recognized when he saw pictures of them but nothing solid of that point in time coming to him. He wondered if he participated in bets back then, and he ached to know, ached to remember what that was like. He was used to war now, so he thought he had probably been used to it back then, but he still craved to know. "Did I... Was I... involved in those bets?" He didn't hide the pained longing in his voice because he knew that Steve wouldn't mock or pity him for him. "Was I... really part of that team? Like really part of it, not... as I am now?"

He really didn't think that cuddling up to one another was that odd, but he had noticed that few others did it. Not like him and Steve anyway. "I'm not giving up cuddling and laying on you," he said with distinct dignity.

It seemed that missions were still very different, though he hadn't been on an Avengers-type mission without Steve. It was easy to fall back into the attitude of 'no witnesses'. However, he had never involved civilians unless it had been part of the mission objective itself. That was, perhaps, what made him so good at slipping through history unseen. "I won't involve civilians and I will still complete the mission objective."

He supposed that taking a more active role in killing off those he knew were part of Hydra might allow him to integrate more. He also knew that there was very little that could touch him while he was with Steve, that his disappearance would immediately alert the man that something was wrong. "I want... things to be easier."

Steve wrapped his arm more firmly Bucky's shoulders in an attempt to be comforting and pressed closer with his upper body. "You STARTED several of them. And in trying to win the bets, almost caused Colonel Philips to have a apoplexy several times." His tone was fond and he began to kneed the back of Bucky's neck gently. "Of course you were part of the team. A vital part. It...it wasn't the same after you...fell. The army higher ups tried to assign someone to replace you but we would have none of it." He still missed the Howling Commandos sometimes though it comforted him that they had all led full, rich lives after the war. He had the Avengers now of course, but they weren't the same (and he didn't expect them to be the same).

He let out an amused snort. "And I wouldn't expect you to." Even if it wasn't 'normal', Steve liked the closeness too much to give it up now, no matter what anyone else said. And Bucky hardly cared what other people thought.

Maybe they'd been doing it the wrong way all this time. They'd been trying to integrate Bucky into the team through the normal non-work activities like meals and movies but Bucky had saw them as events to be endured rather than to be enjoyed. Steve had to admit that Bucky might never be comfortable in social settings again but he'd settle for a civil working relationship between Bucky and the rest of the Avengers for now. The rest could come later. Steve nodded. "I'll have you added formally to the rosters. And...you said earlier that you weren't really part of the Avengers right now. But that's yours too, right now, if you want it."

Steve had a feeling that he was articulating the opposite point Sam wanted him to make. His hand slowed in its kneading motions. "It's not revenge you know. Just...I want you to feel safe. And know that they're the past and can't hurt you any more. That I'm here now this time, when I wasn't before. Alright?"

There was a part of him that found it all the more infuriating that Steve knew with such certainty his antics and was so animated talking about it, but he couldn't draw up a single memory of that time. It was Steve's physical presence that kept him from trying to escape his own lame frustrations. "I don't... remember," he murmured softly, his tone pained from his attempt even as he bowed his head to the feel of Steve's fingers against his neck. "You... potentially jeopardized a mission success with your team because you wouldn't allow another member to be added?" He sounded disapproving, yet the undertone was clear pleasure that he had made such an impression that his spot on that team had been left vacant.

He didn't consider himself part of anything, least of all the Avengers; he had heard himself called Steve's sidekick as a teasing jest once when he hadn't supposed to have been in earshot. He didn't care what he was called between the members and he knew from listening to the communications that everyone teased everyone else at least a little, so it was no slight to him to find himself relegated to lurking in Steve's considerable shadow. Like the Widow, he worked best in the shadows. They were a team and worked well together, somehow integrating so many skill sets and personalities into one place.

"Is an offering of the Avengers something you can give? I thought it came from higher up," he replied as he went back to cushioning his cheek on his flesh forearm, his metal fingers rubbing back and forth against Steve's back. "Am I even to be trusted with missions on my own or with a small group?"

Considering he couldn't remember his past, he knew that someday it would come back to hurt him. "I feel safe with you," he replied, his body relaxing all the more under Steve's as if to show that. "Do you want to kill them for me or with me?"

Sometimes he was torn as to what to do when Bucky asked about their shared past. He never minds sharing his memories with Bucky when his friend clearly wanted to know but Bucky was almost always clearly frustrated that he couldn't remember himself. He only brought it up as a form of comfort, not as a source of pain for Bucky. "I know and I'm sorry." He murmured, wishing there was something he could do other than continue to provide comforting physical touches. "Jeopardized nothing. The man they wanted to send was clearly there because he had connections and not because of any actual skills he had. He also said some things about Gabe, Jim and Peggy that doesn't bear repeating. And we weren't about to just let anyone take your spot. An addition I'll accept maybe, but not as a replacement for you."

Most of Steve's nicknames came from Tony, who thought up new ones on the fly and just as easily discarded old ones. With the way Bucky usually lurked around him the term sidekick had been bound to come up at least once. Surprisingly when it did come up, it wasn't Tony who came up with it. He'd only smiled at the teasing and said nothing, knowing that it as his friends' way of attempting to draw Bucky into the fold.

"What higher ups? We have a charter we all agreed to and signed but otherwise we're a private organization." It was technically vigilantism but Steve would not have the Avengers be underneath any organization ever again, not even the new SHIELD under Coulson. "As to what missions...both I think, though solo missions are rare."

"I'm honoured. And I feel safe with you as well." Steve relaxed his body once more as well, laying his head back down against Bucky's shoulder, though there was a light frown on his face at Bucky's question. "...Both." People would be surprised to hear Captain America say say this but some things were unforgivable and there wasn't much he wouldn't do to keep Bucky safe.

[closed to disassembling] - I Thought You Were Dead

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Away until Tuesday

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