[closed to disassembling] - I Thought You Were Dead

[whatsfondue]

Bad luck always comes in threes.

Steve had never been the superstitious sort before (he was Catholic). First there had been an accident with Banner that had lead to a last minute switch-up in assigned team members for this mission. Then there had been an accident in an Stark Industries owned factory that left Stark worried, twitchy and furious. Not a good state of mind to be doing a mission with.

The third of course was the attack that had brought down the quinjet over the thickly grown jungles Steve was currently hiking alone through right now, having been forced (for once it was not his idea to jump out of a plane without a parachute) to hastily exit the plane while it was on fire. He'd been separated from the rest of the team in the explosion; he hoped they were alright...no, he KNOWS they are all fine. Now it was only a matter of getting back to civilization and getting in back in touch with the rest of the Avengers. Any civilization, he wasn't picky at this point.

He didn't know that by the time he made his way out of the bush into civilization, more than a week would have passed.

Comments

[disassembling]

There was a part of him that found it all the more infuriating that Steve knew with such certainty his antics and was so animated talking about it, but he couldn't draw up a single memory of that time. It was Steve's physical presence that kept him from trying to escape his own lame frustrations. "I don't... remember," he murmured softly, his tone pained from his attempt even as he bowed his head to the feel of Steve's fingers against his neck. "You... potentially jeopardized a mission success with your team because you wouldn't allow another member to be added?" He sounded disapproving, yet the undertone was clear pleasure that he had made such an impression that his spot on that team had been left vacant.

He didn't consider himself part of anything, least of all the Avengers; he had heard himself called Steve's sidekick as a teasing jest once when he hadn't supposed to have been in earshot. He didn't care what he was called between the members and he knew from listening to the communications that everyone teased everyone else at least a little, so it was no slight to him to find himself relegated to lurking in Steve's considerable shadow. Like the Widow, he worked best in the shadows. They were a team and worked well together, somehow integrating so many skill sets and personalities into one place.

"Is an offering of the Avengers something you can give? I thought it came from higher up," he replied as he went back to cushioning his cheek on his flesh forearm, his metal fingers rubbing back and forth against Steve's back. "Am I even to be trusted with missions on my own or with a small group?"

Considering he couldn't remember his past, he knew that someday it would come back to hurt him. "I feel safe with you," he replied, his body relaxing all the more under Steve's as if to show that. "Do you want to kill them for me or with me?"

[whatsfondue]

Sometimes he was torn as to what to do when Bucky asked about their shared past. He never minds sharing his memories with Bucky when his friend clearly wanted to know but Bucky was almost always clearly frustrated that he couldn't remember himself. He only brought it up as a form of comfort, not as a source of pain for Bucky. "I know and I'm sorry." He murmured, wishing there was something he could do other than continue to provide comforting physical touches. "Jeopardized nothing. The man they wanted to send was clearly there because he had connections and not because of any actual skills he had. He also said some things about Gabe, Jim and Peggy that doesn't bear repeating. And we weren't about to just let anyone take your spot. An addition I'll accept maybe, but not as a replacement for you."

Most of Steve's nicknames came from Tony, who thought up new ones on the fly and just as easily discarded old ones. With the way Bucky usually lurked around him the term sidekick had been bound to come up at least once. Surprisingly when it did come up, it wasn't Tony who came up with it. He'd only smiled at the teasing and said nothing, knowing that it as his friends' way of attempting to draw Bucky into the fold.

"What higher ups? We have a charter we all agreed to and signed but otherwise we're a private organization." It was technically vigilantism but Steve would not have the Avengers be underneath any organization ever again, not even the new SHIELD under Coulson. "As to what missions...both I think, though solo missions are rare."

"I'm honoured. And I feel safe with you as well." Steve relaxed his body once more as well, laying his head back down against Bucky's shoulder, though there was a light frown on his face at Bucky's question. "...Both." People would be surprised to hear Captain America say say this but some things were unforgivable and there wasn't much he wouldn't do to keep Bucky safe.

[disassembling]

There was nothing for Steve to apologize when it came to the fact that his mind was not healed enough to produce memories for him of such times. He knew there was a chance that they would never come back, that they had all been lost forever and he was stuck like this for the rest of his life. He nodded a little, able to place the faces of the people that Steve mentioned because of the research he had done, and he knew that having mixed group of ethnicity was rare back then, especially a woman. "Peggy was your dame," he asked softly. He had seen the way she had stumbled over Steve's name, trying for formality and failing. She had clearly thought highly of Steve.

He wasn't certain that he could adhere to a charter, let alone what name to actually sign, since he still had trouble thinking of something as a set word or words. While everyone tended to call him by his name or his codename, it really only felt right when Steve called him by a name, the warmth of familiarity easing him most of the time.

"I thought Fury was still involved slightly," he said, though he supposed being a dead guy - join the club - made it so that the man had no associations anymore. "I'll earn my place on the team before I sign anything," he added grudgingly because he had to feel like he had earned his right to be there, not just have it handed to him because he associated with Steve. He wanted it on his own merit and without a shadow of a doubt inside himself that he had done what was necessary to earn the title.

He hummed softly at answer, having expected it. Steve was very protective of him. "I would hunt them down with you," he murmured softly.

[whatsfondue]

Steve apologizes because he doesn't know how it feels, to have giant holes in your memories. Because there is nothing he could do to fix it. Words were a cold comfort for what Bucky must be feeling. "No she wasn't. We kiss exactly once right before I piloted those Hydra planes in to the ice but there wasn't any time for anything else to happen." Steve had looked sometimes and sometimes he thought she'd been looking back but there had been a war going on and they were both far too busy, regardless of what other people thought and gossiped behind their backs both before and after he fell. He sighed. There was always a bit of regret and might-have-been whenever he thought of Peggy. But all that paled when he could feel Bucky warm and alive close to him. "She had a good life after I was gone." Hydra might have started started it's stranglehold over SHIELD while Peggy was there but it didn't negate all the good Peggy had done.

"Fury's still technically dead. And doing spy work for Coulson's SHIELD, or something like it. He sometimes drops info off for us occasionally, usually through Natasha. He's not really involved at all." Steve said lazily. "Alright...if you feel that way." How one got membership in the Avengers wasn't really laid out in the charter. Sam being an Avenger was simply an unspoken agreement by all of them though Sam had agreed to sign the charter in the end, even if he acted mostly as an auxiliary member. The process would probably be similar with Bucky, just drawn out longer.

"I don't ever want you to face them alone." If he was ever accused of being overprotective, doesn't have have reasons to be?

[disassembling]

"Given how your face lights up around me sleeping comfortably, I suspect a single kiss is actually a big deal," he replied with a hint of his old dryness in his voice. He knew very little about Peggy Carter, but he knew a lot about Steve Rogers even if he had little in the way of memories to back up his impressions. He suspected that there were moments of regret that such things had ended with one kiss? He didn't know; he couldn't even remember being in a relationship before, but it seemed 'right' to tease Steve about them all the same. "I suppose it's your time to have a good life now so she won't be sad that she missed her opportunity with you."

Yes well, he was technically dead too, and here he was laying half-under Steve and comfortable and no longer exactly working as a spy or an assassin. "Maybe people were technically dead and that fact is untrue." Distantly, he wondered what his signature looked like because he certainly didn't remember what it was now. It was little details like that which frustrated him because to sign a name one had to acknowledge a name in the first place.

"They might be people that you know," he said softly. "People who worked with you at SHIELD before it fell. Are you alright with that?"

[whatsfondue]

"It's not like it was my first kiss, Bucky." Steve replied, rolling his eyes exasperatedly. "And before you ask, I have kissed other people after I was unfrozen. I'm ninety-six, not dead." It was little things like this, the attempt at teasing, that gave Steve hope that some day, that Bucky's previous more carefree personality isn't entirely gone. He made a light humming sound. "Is this where you threaten to kill me again if I don't live a happy life?" He still remembered Bucky's earlier threat for him to be happy or be dead quite vividly.

"I was technically dead too. Then they found out differently." Apparently the legal paperwork to reverse that had been stuff of legends. He remembered signing paperwork after paperwork for hours. If nothing else, Coulson and Fury had made sure that had gone through properly untouched by Hydra, or so he'd been reassured.

"The made the choice to work with Hydra, to be Nazis, they can deal with the consequences." Steve answered, voice hard. He hasn't changed his mind about bullies at all, and that was what Hydra were, the worse type of bullies.

[disassembling]

"Who was your first kiss then?" He had read about how firsts in such matters were important, though he was very aware that Steve wasn't dead. He could feel the heat and pressure produced from the body laying over his own, which indicated that his friend was very much alive and no doubt prepared to kiss again someone who was deserving. "I don't need to make a threat again since you already remember it the first time I made it, but it still holds truth." He would stand by that threat too.

Well, it didn't seem prudent to find out about him, since it would be difficult to explain where he had been the last seventy years and too many questions about his activities. He suspected that for now he was going to have to stay dead and it was not something that bothered him much. Hi attachment to the current world was Steve and while probably unhealthy, he didn't mind.

He hummed softly in reply to Steve's hard tone. "I will think of a list of names that I remember or look at some faces to see if I recognize anyone worth hunting."

[whatsfondue]

"One of the chorus girls I worked with when they had me selling war bonds on tour." Steve forehead furrowed as he tried to remember. He hasn't thought about that for a long time. "Her name was Sally and she had brown hair and blue eyes." He'd learned a lot about women during that tour, though it didn't make talking to women any less awkward for him, seventy years later and that still hasn't changed. "Maybe I should say something similar to you too. I don't want to be the only one happy. Be happy or....hmmmm" He trailed off as he thought about what kind of threat he could make and came up with blank.

Tony's cadre of lawyers were working on...something for Bucky, just in case. There wasn't any urgency in it since Steve knew it wasn't something that concerned Bucky very much. It was easy to disappear if you were dead. He only hoped that by now Bucky won't leave him behind if Bucky made that choice.

He'd been especially disappointed by the Strike team he'd been working with right before SHIELD's fall. He'd worked well with them, liked most of them, and every single one of them had turned out to be part of HYDRA, though he knew it made sense from a tactical sense in Hydra's viewpoint. "I'll ask Coulson to drop something off for you...I know they've been tracking some."

[disassembling]

Ah, he didn't know who that was, but he remembered the song and dance routine about the war bonds and had watched it all the way through. He had enjoyed it, given that he had seen so very few movies to begin with. He could also see Steve getting kissed rather than initiating really. "Was she good at kissing?" He waited in silence for the threat for him to come down the line, but it appeared that Steve couldn't come up with one. He raised an eyebrow as he turned his head to regard his friend. "You aren't very good at threatening people."

If Steve wanted to hunt with him, then they would do just fine as a team on their own. It seemed rare that they took on missions of their own, just the two of them. "There were scientists and doctors," he murmured softly, eyes flicking to Steve. "And technicians for my arm. Most will have left the country by now."

[whatsfondue]

If asked, he still remembered how to do the entire thing from start to finish, having done it so many times in the tour, even if it wasn't something he enjoyed. Being a costumed dancing monkey wasn't what he wanted to do with a strong and healthy body when there was a war going on. "In hindsight, I suppose. I didn't have much to compare it to back then. I guess you could say she was experienced. Why so interested in my kissing history?" He met Bucky's eyes with an amused look. "No, I leave that to you. People say I'm good at motivating them. So how about this. Be happy or I won't be."

Missions with just the two of them didn't happen very often. While their skills were complimentary, usually a mission required a broader skill set than just what the two of them offered on their own. He clenched one fist tightly before releasing it slowly, lips flattening into tight line. "We'll track them down. All of them."

[disassembling]

"I don't remember my own kissing history, so it seems worthwhile to look into yours," he replied and glanced aside to the wall of their little fort. He couldn't remember all the young women he had flirted with, been gentlemanly to, kissing on hands, cheek or lips here and there. "Besides, you must appeal to many people who would want to kiss you. I just thought... you might have done more of that now," he murmured with a shrug of his shoulders. It was clear that Steve still kept to himself.

He frowned at the idea of Steve not being happy if he wasn't, and it was probably the worst threat to be leveled at him. He wanted Steve happy after all, and it seemed unfortunate that the man would choose such a stipulation. "...I want you happy," he murmured almost sulkily.

He nodded his head in agreement; he was very good at tracking and reading the signs. He had been updated on some hacking skills as well, though it might not be enough with how things were currently. "Yes, just you and I. We'll make them pay."

[whatsfondue]

"There's nothing interesting in my kissing history. Well...there was one time I kissed Natasha and apparently it was so bad she asked me if it was my first kiss since the 1940s." Steve answered dryly, wondering how did they get from his current living arrangements to his kissing history. He supposed Bucky didn't remember his own and between them Bucky had a much more varied kissing history than he did (before the war started that is). "I've been busy so no." Or rather, there wasn't anyone who really interested him in that way for long. Sharon Carter had been a possibility once, but her deception in playing his neighbour as part of her duties to SHIELD turned him off of anything romantic in that direction.

Steve didn't see it as a threat, since there was no way to enforce it. Hence, it was a motivation. "And I want the same for you. Fair's fair." It was also the truth too; he can't be happy if Bucky wasn't.

If he asked Tony would be happy doing to all the hacking, or tell JARVIS to do it. But this was for Bucky so he'd like them do the work they can in tracking themselves before asking the others for help. More meaningful that way. "It's date." He distractedly murmured, thinking about mission pre-planning as he laid his head down back onto Bucky's shoulder.

[disassembling]

He could see such a response coming from the Widow who spent most time learning many skills to allow her to survive. Her womanly assets were something to master and be very certain about after all. "I hope you defended yourself against her. If she smells weakness, she'll go for your blood," he replied albeit a bit dryly. He appreciated her skills and they worked well together, but they tended to not have much to do with one another when it came to joking or banter. "I think you're using busy as an excuse. It doesn't take much time to kiss someone."

He still rested his cheek on his arm and smoothed his fingers in little circles against the small of Steve's back. "I am content," he said simply, as if that were a concept he could understand.

He huffed softly at Steve's choice of words thought took no offense to it. He was not dating material as far as he could tell. "Don't let your friends hear you say that or you'll never hear the end of it about liking men and such."

[whatsfondue]

"Despite her code name, she doesn't really eat men for breakfast.  I'm sure you know that.  Besides, it was for a mission."  Steve shook his head, half amused, half exasperated. "And I gave her the same answer I gave you. Not dead and not my first kiss since the forties." He had a deep respect and appreciation for skills, both on and off the battlefield, but preferred it if they were not used on him. "And I prefer to kiss someone I actually have feelings for. That, does take time."

He sighed at the feeling of fingers rubbing against his back. "Good. I'm glad."

"Hmmm?" Steve was startled out of his thoughts at the comment. "No they wouldn't. Why would they? It's not like being gay is illegal nowadays. Besides, Tony's made it clear he's tried everything at least once and no one but the rabid paparazzi gives him grief over it." Steve wouldn't stand for anything other than teasing over something liked this.

[disassembling]

"No, she saves the tasty ones for dessert," he replied coolly, as close to a joke about one of their fellows as possible. He didn't think that she was going to get a different answer, given that Steve was obviously one who was put into position to defend the lack of partner on the arm or to lavish attention on. Now it seemed that Steve was intent on lavishing that sort of care and attention on him, which he didn't mind as long as it kept his friend happy. If it didn't, he'd chase Steve off to go and find someone to care about and settle with. "Well who do you have feelings for?"

He tilted his head and peered at Steve, suddenly uncertain. It seemed surprising for some reason that men were not prosecuted for enjoying the company of other men in such a way, though he couldn't think of why that would be. "Yes well... Stark would try everyone if he thought he could get away with it," he replied tartly and nestled his chin down into his curled metal elbow. "That also might not hold true for you. You aren't Stark."

[whatsfondue]

"You'll have to tell her that yourself, she'll be amused by it I'm sure." Steve said dryly, thinking it probably wasn't the first time she's heard a joke to that effect about her code name. Natasha had tried her best to set him up with various people, it wasn't her fault he had been stubbornly resisting her efforts. He still would be if she persisted. Nowadays occasionally she'll catch her give him this particular look he doesn't quite understand, then glance at Bucky and back again to him. "You. And my other friends of course." He answered Bucky's question succinctly. Steve had been entirely truthful when he had said he was busy. There were missions to do, culture and history to catch up to, and Bucky himself.

He reached up to brush his hand over Bucky's hair reassuringly. That had been one of the changes he'd been glad to see. He had never agreed with laws against homosexuality; so long as no harm was done, it shouldn't matter who a person loved, no matter the gender. "No, I'm not Tony and I don't want to be either. It's not illegal and so long as everyone involved gives consent and is happy, I don't think I'll care much about the opinion of other people on my my love life."

[disassembling]

"I'd prefer to keep out of her range. I doubt she's entirely forgiven me for eliminating her chances for a bathing suit and a tank top," he replied with a shrug. He knew that she cared very little for such things, but scars caused questions to be asked and when one was undercover, it was hard to explain bullet holes sometimes. Or so he had heard. Something twigged in the statement that caused his head to jerk up again. "You have feelings for me and we're going on a date to kill people? Your romance skills are as good as mine," he said dryly. Actually, they were probably still much, much better than his which were lost and gone.

His eyes still fluttered when Steve played with his hair, having gotten very used to enjoying that. It was perhaps one of the many reasons he had failed to cut it since he had gained his freedom. "You apparently don't have a love life unless the Widow is still conspiring to set you up with someone. Is she?"

[whatsfondue]

"I doubt she cares and there's makeup for all sorts of things these days." Steve answered, his voice distracted has he scratched Bucky's scalp gently. "It's not like I've gone on a date before...the ones you tried to set up for me before the war doesn't count." His fingers paused for a moment as he thought about it some more. "Actually by that reasoning I've gone on dates with all of the Avengers if you count missions as date material."

"Thankfully no. All she does is give me this look lately that I don't understand and she's not explaining." Steve shook his head, tone puzzled. He would have asked if Bucky had caught any of those looks but Bucky and Natasha generally give each other a healthy amount of space in between. Steve doesn't quite understand the reason why for that either; they worked well together during missions, far better than say Tony and Bucky together but apart from that there was next to nothing.

[disassembling]

His eyes blinked slowly at the knowledge that he had tried to play match-maker in the past, though the idea fit with what he had seen of that smiling face on the videos. It seemed to him that the Bucky of the past would have done many things in order to help benefit Steve, and while he was still like that here and now, it was darker, colder and with only objective persistence. "I... used to do that, did I?" He mulled that over for a moment. "So you're in a multi-person relationship now? Do you cuddle with them like you cuddle with me?"

He pondered the idea of 'a look' and thought back to the interactions between Steve and Natasha lately. He had caught the tail end of something, though he had no idea what that was. He was going to have to keep a closer eye on her to determine if the look was some kind of threat or even what it was. "I can try to get the information out of her, if you like?"

[whatsfondue]

Bucky tried but those had never really ended up well for him. Steve appreciated the attempts though he'd always wondered just exactly Bucky told those girls about him. "Yes. You did a lot of things for me." He huffed a laugh at the idea of a multi-person relationship. Not that it would be wrong, just the entire mess it would have been like if it were actually true, with their various personalities. "I think Dr. Foster would object if I said I was in love with Thor. And no, it's just you I'm cuddling with." Casual hugs and shoulder pats don't count, Steve thinks.

"I..." Steve tried to think of any scenario where Bucky tried to get information out of Natasha and the resulting mess, either to their surroundings or psychologically and winced. "No, just leave it alone. She'll talk to me when she wants to." And Steve was cringing internally at that idea too because he had the feeling it'll leave him in a mess.

[disassembling]

This was another one of those conversations where he wanted to remember the parts of his life before being the Soldier. He frowned and closed his eyes as if thinking very hard would draw up the memories that he sought so much. "...I don't remember..." he murmured as his metal fingers clenched into the blanket he was laying on. He forced himself to instead be distracted by the other comment and nodded. "I guess... but she might not mind you if you share." That wasn't to say that he would appreciate having to share in such a development, since he liked cuddling with Steve and keeping such antics between them.

"I have been trained to extract information," he murmured, even if he knew she had been trained in the same way and also trained to resist. It would probably turn into a mess, and he doubted that Stark would appreciate it if it happened in the Stark Tower. "I don't mind doing it for you."

[whatsfondue]

Steve hated himself just a little bit every time he brought something up from their common past and Bucky doesn't remember, and it upset him that he didn't remember. He reached down and across, curling his fingers over Bucky's in an attempt at comfort. "It's alright." He murmured as he dropped his chin to rest on top of Bucky's. "It's alright." He shook his head. "For one thing, it might not even be female...and second...most people do mind, even I know that. And you didn't say anything about whether YOU mind if |I cuddle if someone else." There wasn't any doubt in him mind who he'd prioritize between Bucky and this yet unknown person Bucky seemed to want him to date.

"Please don't. I can handle Natasha. And she doesn't mean me harm, so let's leave your interrogation skills for Hydra." Steve said firmly. He would rather listen to Natasha talking to him about his poor decisions or lack of them rather than dealing with the damage that would come from Bucky trying to interrogate Natasha and Natasha resisting.

[disassembling]

He lifted his head as the warmth of Steve's arm came into range and shifted to nestle his cheek into the crook of his friend's elbow. His metal fingers unclenched and sought out Steve's warm grip, something that grounded him back and chased away the frustration that only one of their pair could remember their early days. He drew a deep breath and held it, appreciating the comfort and aware that he was probably acting like this because he was still slightly tired from going a week without sleep and worrying over his friend. "I... if it made you happy, you can cuddle whoever you like," he replied evasively. That was the only reason he wouldn't guard Steve for himself for such instances.

He nodded, relenting and aware that there would not be enough cleaner to purge a room that the two of them had engaged in their trades in. He simply nestled his cheek deeper into Steve's elbow. "When will we hunt?"

[whatsfondue]

Steve's hand squeezes back on he metal fingers reassuringly and rubbed his thumb against the the back of a metal thumb. He was never sure just how much Bucky could feel with the metal arm but his friend seemed to find it comforting when he did this so he continued. He sighed and shook his head. "Remember what I said earlier about not being happy unless you were? So no, I won't be cuddling anyone but you." He could tell by the evasive way Bucky answered that the true answer was a clear 'yes' to his earlier question. It wasn't like this was a hard thing to give up; he's happy enough to have whatever he has right now with Bucky.

"Hmm? I want to see what data Coulson has first....talk to Natasha and see what she can get from her contacts too. Maybe a week?" Enough time for both of them to recover from last week and prepare for their 'date'. "Do you need any gear or anything else?" So far, Bucky has been using his own.

[disassembling]

His shoulders relaxed in the face of Steve's assurances, uncaring that his dependence on his friend had hit such a level, that he wanted only to be close to Steve. His friend was the only one to bring him warmth and comfort, to provide for him in a way that HYDRA never could, to give him something that he couldn't describe in words but latched onto all the same. "Okay," he said and suddenly wedged himself harder under Steve's weight on his back, working himself to crawl right underneath the press of Steve's hips and thighs as well. It was generally his territory, but he was curious about what it felt like too.

He hummed in agreement because he recognized that going after any element of HYDRA was dangerous for them both and he needed to be fully primed for the mission. "I can agree with a week," he said with a nod of his head still against Steve's arm. "No, my equipment will suffice, and HYDRA should know that the winter is coming and is as merciless as ever."