Steven Grant Rogers (
whatsfondue) wrote in
a_musingly2014-09-09 12:04 am
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[closed to
disassembling] - I Thought You Were Dead
Bad luck always comes in threes.
Steve had never been the superstitious sort before (he was Catholic). First there had been an accident with Banner that had lead to a last minute switch-up in assigned team members for this mission. Then there had been an accident in an Stark Industries owned factory that left Stark worried, twitchy and furious. Not a good state of mind to be doing a mission with.
The third of course was the attack that had brought down the quinjet over the thickly grown jungles Steve was currently hiking alone through right now, having been forced (for once it was not his idea to jump out of a plane without a parachute) to hastily exit the plane while it was on fire. He'd been separated from the rest of the team in the explosion; he hoped they were alright...no, he KNOWS they are all fine. Now it was only a matter of getting back to civilization and getting in back in touch with the rest of the Avengers. Any civilization, he wasn't picky at this point.
He didn't know that by the time he made his way out of the bush into civilization, more than a week would have passed.
Steve had never been the superstitious sort before (he was Catholic). First there had been an accident with Banner that had lead to a last minute switch-up in assigned team members for this mission. Then there had been an accident in an Stark Industries owned factory that left Stark worried, twitchy and furious. Not a good state of mind to be doing a mission with.
The third of course was the attack that had brought down the quinjet over the thickly grown jungles Steve was currently hiking alone through right now, having been forced (for once it was not his idea to jump out of a plane without a parachute) to hastily exit the plane while it was on fire. He'd been separated from the rest of the team in the explosion; he hoped they were alright...no, he KNOWS they are all fine. Now it was only a matter of getting back to civilization and getting in back in touch with the rest of the Avengers. Any civilization, he wasn't picky at this point.
He didn't know that by the time he made his way out of the bush into civilization, more than a week would have passed.
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He pondered that, remembering how he had lamely tried to help Steve with that illness. It had seemed like the right thing to do, like he had been good at it and might even someday enjoy it. "I... want you at pique health at all times," he agreed softly. He eyed the pillow, not certain what he was supposed to do with it when he was perfectly comfortable as he was nestled on his arms, one soft and warm, the other hard and cold. "You were sick a little while ago, but I didn't take very good care of you. Do you think I should be like you and have my own place?" He actually couldn't imagine that right now.
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"And I want the same for you. It doesn't matter if you never remember everything about your past. I just want you to be warm, well-fed, and always content. If there's anything I could do for you to be like that, I would." And Steve recognizes this is why there is very little he could say no to Bucky for. Since Bucky didn't seem to know what to do with the pillow, Steve decided to show him by example (there was a second pillow in the back), but plopping down on it, arms wrapped loosely on the pillow and resting his chin on it. "You were fine that night." Steve tried to reassure Bucky. He had wanted Buckys company more than any physical thing Bucky could bring him for his comfort.
Away until Tuesday
"You've... done more than enough for me," he replied softly. He was aware that his presence on missions in particular had a high potential to damage Steve and the Avengers because sooner or later, Hydra would come looking or the public would realize some of what he had done. They'd probably just associate him with Hydra and put to trial for his actions in assassination and terrorism. He eyed this display of using the pillow and frowned, pointedly pillowing his chin a little more on his arms instead. "I was acceptable," he said in reply.
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Truthfully Steve thought most of his other friends considered Bucky to be an Avenger to some degree or another, if only more attached to Steve than the rest of them. And there were already contingency plans in place for dealing with the public if public opinion went ill against Bucky (though Steve thought Bucky would probably disappear first if that happened.) As for Hydra, if they came looking, the Avengers would be glad to deal with them. It wasn't like they weren't alrady running missions digging up as many bases as possible anyway.
.
He shifted suddenly to abandon his pillow drop an arm around Bucky's waist. Half-covering Bucky with his larger body, he dropped his face into Bucky's shoulder "It's enough that you're here." He murmured into warm cloth covered muscle. "That's all I need."
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He tensed when Steve suddenly shifted, almost rolling to his side as if he thought he might have to defend himself from some kind of impromptu wrestling match, given they had given up on it at Stark Tower. Yet, he settled easily when Steve's weight only shifted to half cover him, effectively pinning him to the blanketed floor, but his eyes half-shut in pleasure at the closeness as he pillowed his cheek more onto his arms.
"You're too easy to please," he grumbled half-heartedly. "And you should stay behind on the next mission too."
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Steve'd noticed the way Bucky had tensed when he dropped his weight unexpectedly on top of Bucky and was prepared to pull back immediately but Bucky had settled the next minute much to his relief. Before, he'd always left it to Bucky to initiate anything. His eyes slid half-closed as well as he rubbed his face back and forth against Bucky's shoulder, breathing in the scent of the soap they'd used last night and a light metallic tang underneath that he's now associated with Bucky.
"Might have to support them remotely, or be the backup. It depends on the type of mission. Unless you want to go?" But most likely he could afford to sit out on the next one unless it was something like the Chitauri invasion again, as he was hardly the only heavy hitter in the team. "Would you prefer I be more demanding on you? Ask you for treats or HYDRA agents instead?"
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He issued a soft hum of pleasured acceptance to the feel of Steve's cheek rubbing against his shoulder, and he stretched out in their little fort now that he was secure and settled there. Steve's weight helped, and it was easy to close his eyes and savour the closeness between them in the similar way that he did when he was allowed to cuddle up to his friend in bed. He still wasn't entirely over having lost his friend for a week either.
"I can do any mission," he said simply, though it wouldn't be the same without Steve. He performed best hunting or as an assassin. "What kind of treats could you ever hope for out of me?" He had noticed that no one, not even Steve, pushed to know if he had information on Hydra despite his history with the organization. "I know... some agents."
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He sighed contentedly as Bucky settled down, and turned to rest his cheek on Bucky's back, careful not to put his entire weight on Bucky. Not that he thought Bucky couldn't take it but this was comfort, not wrestling or sparring. Awkward morning or not, he'd missed this in the past week.
"Yes I know, but will you actually work with the other Avengers?" Steve asked, half expecting the answer to be know. He wasn't unaware of what Bucky did best; the file Natasha handed him after Project Insight had detailed quite a few of the missions the Winter Soldier was sent on. "I don't know....you could surprise me with almost anything and I'll probably like it." Everyone among the Avengers knew not to push Bucky for information. Captain's orders. Steve lifted his head off of Bucky's back, his voice serious. "If want to...do...anything about those agents, I'd like it if you told at least me beforehand. Otherwise if you don't want to do anything, that's fine too. It's your choice."
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He went silent at the idea of working with the other Avengers without Steve, but a mission was a mission. It required that he do things that he didn't enjoy sometimes. "I could," he said grudgingly. "The mission objective will always be the most important thing to me, and no one, not even the Avengers will stand in the way of reaching it." He slid so easily into Soldier mode.
He shifted his flesh arm out from under his cheek and curled it back to grasp onto Steve's back. He hadn't thought much about the agents whose name's had stuck in his head or come back to him now that he wasn't getting blanked anymore. There were names and there were faces, though some didn't match up together. "What's left of SHIELD probably rounded up most of them," he murmured softly. "Contingency plan states that exposed agents are eliminated or smuggled from the country and replaced with others."
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Steve frowned when he heard the Soldier respond. "We always try to assign something suitable to that person's skillsets." And he'll make doubly sure whoever is assigned to Bucky is someone who won't grate on Bucky so much. "You know that some times there's no other option but to abort the mission right, no matter the objective. Like last week." He had to make that clear; the Avengers were not Hydra where the Mission was always first.
He allowed the hand to press him back down against Bucky's warm back. "I know." He murmured back. "Natasha and Clint work with Coulson on that occasionally to find the ones that still alive and in hiding. It's just...I was thinking of closure for you. So that it's not always hanging over your head."
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He knew that missions were sometimes aborted, but from what he could remember, those moments were rare for him. His missions had always been planned well and he was good at doing them, so he wasn't certain he would need to abort one. He had only been involved in aborted missions where he had personally malfunctioned. "I'll do my best not to let that scenario come into play. If it is a mission designed for me, I should be able to complete it in the allotted time frame. That's... how it's always been." He turned his head to look at Steve. "These missions aren't any different... right? We want them completed?"
He blinked a little at the word closure because he had never thought of it. He was not vengeful, so the idea of hunting down those who he remembered and who had programmed or associated with him hadn't entirely been his focus. Steve had become his focus. "I... I've never thought about it like that." Of course he knew Hydra would go for him if opportunity presented itself, but beyond that, he hadn't considered it much.
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Steve bit his lip, thinking about how he could explain it. "Yes, we do want mission completed. Very much. That's why they're called missions after all. But you have to take into account the cost, and it's not only monetary cost. For example...if mission completion has a high chance of causing the deaths of surrounding civilians that unexpectedly showed up on site? Then you evaluate again on the field. Or mission control will evaluate again. WE want to avoid civilian casualties." They always try to plan out for no civilian casualties but humans were contrary beings and often insist on going where they shouldn't be.
He'd been surprised that Bucky hadn't tried to go after Hydra more, instead only taking down the ones who attacked him, and attacked Bucky. It wasn't until later that he understood why. "Think about it? You can do as little or as much as you want. It's your choice. Just thought if you could have closure over this, other things might get easier for you." This too had been one of Sam's suggestions, one that Steve found easiest to talk about.
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He really didn't think that cuddling up to one another was that odd, but he had noticed that few others did it. Not like him and Steve anyway. "I'm not giving up cuddling and laying on you," he said with distinct dignity.
It seemed that missions were still very different, though he hadn't been on an Avengers-type mission without Steve. It was easy to fall back into the attitude of 'no witnesses'. However, he had never involved civilians unless it had been part of the mission objective itself. That was, perhaps, what made him so good at slipping through history unseen. "I won't involve civilians and I will still complete the mission objective."
He supposed that taking a more active role in killing off those he knew were part of Hydra might allow him to integrate more. He also knew that there was very little that could touch him while he was with Steve, that his disappearance would immediately alert the man that something was wrong. "I want... things to be easier."
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He let out an amused snort. "And I wouldn't expect you to." Even if it wasn't 'normal', Steve liked the closeness too much to give it up now, no matter what anyone else said. And Bucky hardly cared what other people thought.
Maybe they'd been doing it the wrong way all this time. They'd been trying to integrate Bucky into the team through the normal non-work activities like meals and movies but Bucky had saw them as events to be endured rather than to be enjoyed. Steve had to admit that Bucky might never be comfortable in social settings again but he'd settle for a civil working relationship between Bucky and the rest of the Avengers for now. The rest could come later. Steve nodded. "I'll have you added formally to the rosters. And...you said earlier that you weren't really part of the Avengers right now. But that's yours too, right now, if you want it."
Steve had a feeling that he was articulating the opposite point Sam wanted him to make. His hand slowed in its kneading motions. "It's not revenge you know. Just...I want you to feel safe. And know that they're the past and can't hurt you any more. That I'm here now this time, when I wasn't before. Alright?"
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He didn't consider himself part of anything, least of all the Avengers; he had heard himself called Steve's sidekick as a teasing jest once when he hadn't supposed to have been in earshot. He didn't care what he was called between the members and he knew from listening to the communications that everyone teased everyone else at least a little, so it was no slight to him to find himself relegated to lurking in Steve's considerable shadow. Like the Widow, he worked best in the shadows. They were a team and worked well together, somehow integrating so many skill sets and personalities into one place.
"Is an offering of the Avengers something you can give? I thought it came from higher up," he replied as he went back to cushioning his cheek on his flesh forearm, his metal fingers rubbing back and forth against Steve's back. "Am I even to be trusted with missions on my own or with a small group?"
Considering he couldn't remember his past, he knew that someday it would come back to hurt him. "I feel safe with you," he replied, his body relaxing all the more under Steve's as if to show that. "Do you want to kill them for me or with me?"
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Most of Steve's nicknames came from Tony, who thought up new ones on the fly and just as easily discarded old ones. With the way Bucky usually lurked around him the term sidekick had been bound to come up at least once. Surprisingly when it did come up, it wasn't Tony who came up with it. He'd only smiled at the teasing and said nothing, knowing that it as his friends' way of attempting to draw Bucky into the fold.
"What higher ups? We have a charter we all agreed to and signed but otherwise we're a private organization." It was technically vigilantism but Steve would not have the Avengers be underneath any organization ever again, not even the new SHIELD under Coulson. "As to what missions...both I think, though solo missions are rare."
"I'm honoured. And I feel safe with you as well." Steve relaxed his body once more as well, laying his head back down against Bucky's shoulder, though there was a light frown on his face at Bucky's question. "...Both." People would be surprised to hear Captain America say say this but some things were unforgivable and there wasn't much he wouldn't do to keep Bucky safe.
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He wasn't certain that he could adhere to a charter, let alone what name to actually sign, since he still had trouble thinking of something as a set word or words. While everyone tended to call him by his name or his codename, it really only felt right when Steve called him by a name, the warmth of familiarity easing him most of the time.
"I thought Fury was still involved slightly," he said, though he supposed being a dead guy - join the club - made it so that the man had no associations anymore. "I'll earn my place on the team before I sign anything," he added grudgingly because he had to feel like he had earned his right to be there, not just have it handed to him because he associated with Steve. He wanted it on his own merit and without a shadow of a doubt inside himself that he had done what was necessary to earn the title.
He hummed softly at answer, having expected it. Steve was very protective of him. "I would hunt them down with you," he murmured softly.
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"Fury's still technically dead. And doing spy work for Coulson's SHIELD, or something like it. He sometimes drops info off for us occasionally, usually through Natasha. He's not really involved at all." Steve said lazily. "Alright...if you feel that way." How one got membership in the Avengers wasn't really laid out in the charter. Sam being an Avenger was simply an unspoken agreement by all of them though Sam had agreed to sign the charter in the end, even if he acted mostly as an auxiliary member. The process would probably be similar with Bucky, just drawn out longer.
"I don't ever want you to face them alone." If he was ever accused of being overprotective, doesn't have have reasons to be?
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Yes well, he was technically dead too, and here he was laying half-under Steve and comfortable and no longer exactly working as a spy or an assassin. "Maybe people were technically dead and that fact is untrue." Distantly, he wondered what his signature looked like because he certainly didn't remember what it was now. It was little details like that which frustrated him because to sign a name one had to acknowledge a name in the first place.
"They might be people that you know," he said softly. "People who worked with you at SHIELD before it fell. Are you alright with that?"
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"I was technically dead too. Then they found out differently." Apparently the legal paperwork to reverse that had been stuff of legends. He remembered signing paperwork after paperwork for hours. If nothing else, Coulson and Fury had made sure that had gone through properly untouched by Hydra, or so he'd been reassured.
"The made the choice to work with Hydra, to be Nazis, they can deal with the consequences." Steve answered, voice hard. He hasn't changed his mind about bullies at all, and that was what Hydra were, the worse type of bullies.
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Well, it didn't seem prudent to find out about him, since it would be difficult to explain where he had been the last seventy years and too many questions about his activities. He suspected that for now he was going to have to stay dead and it was not something that bothered him much. Hi attachment to the current world was Steve and while probably unhealthy, he didn't mind.
He hummed softly in reply to Steve's hard tone. "I will think of a list of names that I remember or look at some faces to see if I recognize anyone worth hunting."
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Tony's cadre of lawyers were working on...something for Bucky, just in case. There wasn't any urgency in it since Steve knew it wasn't something that concerned Bucky very much. It was easy to disappear if you were dead. He only hoped that by now Bucky won't leave him behind if Bucky made that choice.
He'd been especially disappointed by the Strike team he'd been working with right before SHIELD's fall. He'd worked well with them, liked most of them, and every single one of them had turned out to be part of HYDRA, though he knew it made sense from a tactical sense in Hydra's viewpoint. "I'll ask Coulson to drop something off for you...I know they've been tracking some."
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If Steve wanted to hunt with him, then they would do just fine as a team on their own. It seemed rare that they took on missions of their own, just the two of them. "There were scientists and doctors," he murmured softly, eyes flicking to Steve. "And technicians for my arm. Most will have left the country by now."
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Missions with just the two of them didn't happen very often. While their skills were complimentary, usually a mission required a broader skill set than just what the two of them offered on their own. He clenched one fist tightly before releasing it slowly, lips flattening into tight line. "We'll track them down. All of them."
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He frowned at the idea of Steve not being happy if he wasn't, and it was probably the worst threat to be leveled at him. He wanted Steve happy after all, and it seemed unfortunate that the man would choose such a stipulation. "...I want you happy," he murmured almost sulkily.
He nodded his head in agreement; he was very good at tracking and reading the signs. He had been updated on some hacking skills as well, though it might not be enough with how things were currently. "Yes, just you and I. We'll make them pay."
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